Fragile and a little whining
/This isn’t an Inktober prompt, it’s just the word that popped into my head while driving back from the chiropractor today. I’ve used many words to describe myself: sensitive, anxious, resilient, responsible, but never FRAGILE.
This morning I was holding back tears after a stupid bad dream, one triggered by an old letter discovered in the back of my desk drawer and by a casual comment. A bad dream that triggered an avalanche of self-doubt and paranoia. I lectured myself on the whole drive to my appointment, reminding myself that I was fine, coaxing my brain off the edge.
At my appointment I tried to turn over to lay on my stomach and the nerve-pinching pain hit - Level 10 - cue immediate tears and a WHOOSH of breathe. This was the first time my chiropractor had seen me in the pain I had been explaining to him, and he said sorry sorry sorry a few million times before I could choke out that it was okay.
Both of these events left me feeling less than ideal on my drive home. Muscles that were relaxed prior to the appointment were on high alert, and with every bump in the road I tensed up waiting for the shock of pain (which never came, thank goodness). My emotional brain, left to it’s own devices while I focused on driving, proceeded to have entire conversations revolving around the various ways I am an idiot. By the time I pulled in the driveway, needing lunch and to start work, and on the verge of tears again, I realized it was official, I felt FRAGILE. No matter how Good I felt, I was only a few words, a few missed stretches, an unplanned twist away from being Not Good.
There is a plan in place, and the Porcupine brought me an ice wrap and some leftover chocolate cake, really I just needed a place to whine a little bit, and share what’s still going on….
